Deirdre Saoirse Moen

Sounds Like Weird

"Getting Over" Grief: Yeah, Right

23 December 2013

Anyone who thinks grief is something you should get over has never been an inadvertent party to someone’s death.

Which I have. (Serious TMI warning)

5 Lies You Were Told About Grief covers a lot of things those of us who’ve grieved the loss of others have put up with. Or failed to put up with.

“Let’s see how you cope with it after accidentally killing someone,” I once told a guy who told me I should be over it.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, completely clobbered by my usual “Let’s just use verbal blunt force trauma, shall we?” approach to rude people.

“I’m not,” I replied. I didn’t do anything stupid. I couldn’t have known. I didn’t get what was happening immediately, and I felt guilty about that, but: in the end, it didn’t matter. The doctor told me that, even if it had happened in the hospital, he would have died anyway.

I’ve told myself those things ten thousand times.

It doesn’t help.

This is not to say that it doesn’t get better. It does get better.

But it will never be the way it used to be.

Once upon a time, I went through such dramatic changes so suddenly that I described my new emotional landscape as “being teleported blindfolded to a new house with lots of pointy-edged modern furniture.”

That’s what grief is like.

The old house?


The new house ain’t so bad once you know it well enough to come to terms with it. Eventually, the blindfold will fade away.

But it’s still not the same house you used to have.

My mother-in-law died two years (and one day) ago, so I know how difficult holiday seasons can be.

Having a difficult time right now? Please talk to someone. Want to talk to me? You can comment here (on any of the blogs this gets posted to), chat with me on Google (dsmoen@) or iCloud (deirdre@) or Twitter (@deirdresm).

Be safe.

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